I used to think a monster lived under the bed. Fortunately, my wife assured me that it lives in the closet and not under the bed so I should be okay. (She also suggests that, given the rarity I venture into the laundry room, I seem to think a monster lives in the washing machine).
I know that a monster doesn't live under the bed. And I'm pretty sure that one doesn't live in the washing machine (although if it does, that would explain why I never seem to have matching socks). But I think there is something living under the seat in my car.
Consider the evidence: Pens, coins, gas receipts, sunglasses, CDs, and the occasional cell phone charger constantly disappear in my car. I believe half of a Subway sub also vanished earlier this summer, too. While investigating, I found all of this stuff (minus the sub, thankfully) under the driver's seat. The only conclusion is that whatever lives under the car seat is using all of those things to build a nest.
It's like the Loch Ness monster – you never see the monster but you can't miss the loch.
Since I'm convinced that something lives under there, I'm forced to wonder: What does it do in the car when I'm driving? Like my cat, does it just perch there believing that it owns the world? Or, like my dog, does its tongue hang out whenever we drive? Or, like the Chihuahua in the back window, does its head bob up and down over every bump?
And what about when I'm not there? Does it run around inside the car? Does it play inside my car like my kid plays in his bedroom when he's supposed to be napping? That maybe explains why I always have to move the seat back and turn the radio down whenever I get into the car. (I've tried blaming my wife for this one but it hasn't stopped, so it can't be her).
I also have to wonder: What does it do for food? That sub is still missing but you can't live on Subway forever (but don't tell my college-aged nephew that). Does its long tongue sneak up to my coffee mug and take a sip while I'm not paying attention? That's possible. It explains why there's always a small puddle of coffee at the bottom of the cup holder. Does a tentacle reach for the container of Cheerios that we give our kid to snack on while driving? That's possible too because we find those little round "O's" basically everywhere.
I'm not sure what to do about this thing. I left my car window open overnight once, hoping that the thing would run away… but it rained like crazy and there was a puddle on the floor on the inside of the car the next morning. (I desperately hope it was a puddle of water).
My biggest concern is for the safety of my family. I don't want this thing running out from under the seat while I'm driving and causing an accident. Try explaining THAT ONE to the insurance company. If I do get into a collision (for whatever reason – whether or not it's monster-related) I'm bringing my car to Boyd Autobody & Glass. Although they don't have professionals on staff to handle monster-removal, they can fix up my car and get me back on the road safely. But the monster I'll have to contend with myself.
I'm thinking of suggesting to my wife that we upgrade our vehicle – from a family-friendly sedan to something a little sportier, only because the seats will be lower to the floor and therefore there won't be enough room for this under-seat-dweller to nest.
